Ophelia Blue

There’s something consoling in being hopeless
No matter what happens
you will feel nothing.

I guess, the only way to live is from day to day.
The future is too far away
nothing to look forward to
containing only more problems without a solution.
The past is dying painfully
hanging onto our feets.
making us heavier and heavier
until we can’t move no more.
Do you see the sunlight
crawling through the shutter?
Do you feel the warmth
of loving summer meet-ups?
It’s ok, it’s alright.
One by one
at your side.

Words alone, such cold and lifeless letters on a sterile white can never, never hold the love and thankfulness that lives in my heart for you. You impossible, silly kind of person. Why do you like me? Why do you still hold my hand? Over all my episodes, all my fury and snapping and insane actions you still came up to me and said hello. You still write me, you still are on my side, you still believe in my future. Why? Is it just duty for you? To accompanie me until the end. Once you’ve started you can’t stop until it’s over. No, that’s not I know that’s not true. And this fact, this is absolutly inexplainable to me. That’s why I love you so very much. Without you I’d never had a chance. Without you, where would I be now? Alone because of you I get myself together. I can’t leave you thinking I was a hopeless case. I want to make you proud, to let you know you did good and you’ve made an immensely change in me.

“I love you. I really love you. And it doesn’t matter if you won’t love me back. I will always be your friend. I care about you and I think of you very often. I just wanted you to know that.” - he stood on the roof with me, the one we were making silly photographs for our silly projects. His eyes, blue, oh so blue and enchanting, his hair in a darker blonde frames beautifully around his face. He stands beside me with a somewhat desperate but kind look. Oh, how can that be? How can such a wonderful creature love me? What a dream it is! How nice, how consoling, how impossible.

Slowly while, hanging in endless and abstract thoughts I fell asleep, having a very intense dream. I saw a girl, with fairy wings and a corset walking up and down in front of me while saying over and over again “It hurts so much, it hurts so much and no one helps me, no one bothers to help me. It hurts so much“. I, standing next to her said “I’ll help you. What should I do?”. She wanted me to lace her corset as tightly as I can. I did so but was afraid to hurt though even when I pulled the laces as much as I could she screamed it isn’t enough and I should lace them more tightly. Eventually she released me from it and was satisfied. Her skin was red and restrained at all sides. She thanked me, gave me a kiss on the forehead and walked whistling and singing her way.